This post answers the questions, “What are tips on how to avoid players with online dating?” or simply “What are tips on how to avoid players when dating? The tips for avoiding player guys are the same whether you’re getting your dates online or offline because online dating gets offline at some point – you’re going to have to meet the guy, right?
First off, not all guys are players. But it could happen that all the men you seem to attract are players. This can get a woman thinking that all men are players.
If this seems to be happening to you, there are several reasons. You could be looking for dates in the wrong places, for example bars, clubs, entertainment venues and such – where player guys tend to hang out.
Or you’re only looking for the very attractive guys, where the proportion of players tends to be the highest. Many women who consider themselves sexy often aim for a man that they consider sexy. The problem is that such men are attractive to other women as well.
A man generally considered to be sexy will be propositioned by many women in his lifetime. It is virtually impossible for him to say no to every single woman. A high percentage of such sexy men probably are unable to be faithful – until they settle down.
So, finding the diamond in the rough is really an uphill battle when every straight woman is looking for the same guy – the sexy stud who doesn’t stray.
See also, “Why exceptionally good-looking women have the hardest time finding Mr. Right”
A related question to tips on how to avoid players is “How to tell if he’s really into me?” Because if a guy isn’t really into you but isn’t getting out of the relationship, then maybe he could be a player…
As for the tips on how to avoid players or how to avoid getting hurt by players when dating, below is some advice a woman who confessed she had had more than her fair share of player guys in her dating gave in a public forum where people could post anonymously.
It’s very good advice. Read on…
“I’ve got ten years on [the Original Poster], but have more than a little bit of the acerbic in me, too. What I have discovered fairly recently is that it never hurts to be wise to the ways of the players, but you catch more flies with honey than with vinegar.
“By that I mean I subtly let the players know I’m on to them, and I will keep them on their toes in a fun, flirty way. I have a quick wit, and I make an effort to use it to let men know they can’t take advantage of me, but I may still enjoy their company, or even a booty call – it’s just more of a level playing field.
“I’m not looking for a lifetime relationship right now, so it’s easier for me to play the field and have fun because there’s less at stake. If I discover the love of my life in what starts out as a casual relationship, great. If not, my expectations aren’t crushed.
“I’m pretty forthright about telling men where they stand with me, without revealing too much about who else I might be currently seeing, and I make myself open to getting the same information from them. If after that, I get the impression a guy is still feeding me lines and is completely disingenuous (vs. a little unsure or private), I cut him loose.
“And I try to remember that some men are perpetual players, but some men are just playing until they find a keeper. I started a relationship with a much younger man recently, who was pretty open about being a total player, one of those always-looking-for-greener-pastures guys.
“I didn’t know for sure he was a player until I got to know him a little. By then, I knew I was already attracted to him, and I wanted to see what else he could bring to the table. The same combination of things that attracted me to him (intensity, good looks, sensuality, wit, interesting background, etc.) is what also lets him be a player – he has the complete package that most women want.
“He is young, unattached, and played the field because… he could.
I just let him play that out, with the basic attitude that if he thought he could find someone better than me, go ahead. I continued to date other men, while maintaining a relationship with him.
“I think you could call it playing it cool, but not playing it cold. Last night he told me he’s not interested in dating other women right now, and he wants to see me exclusively.
“Not a guarantee, but he told me he was taking down his profile on the dating site through which we met. Only time will tell if his intentions are true, but it’s a good place to start. By dating other men, it gave me chance to realize that I am more attracted to this guy, and seeing him exclusively wouldn’t be such a bad thing–and I’m sure it made me seem less needy and clingy in his eyes = more attractive.
“But I didn’t have to bust his balls to get him to this place – I just opened the door for him to find his way there. That’s probably the biggest dating lesson I’ve learned in a long time.”
Oh, about dating other men, here’s what this poster meant…
“I was a serial monogamist, too, for a long time, but I discovered that it didn’t work for me because for most men, this wasn’t realistic. And that’s the point of this platform: to give realistic dating advice, not to validate what’s not really working for us. If it IS working for you, great, keep doing it.
“For me, I needed to realize that most men date multiple women simultaneously, at least before they settle down and commit to one. Doing the same thing on my part keeps me from putting all my eggs in one basket too early in the relationship, and I’ve not received any negative feedback from the men I’ve dated.
“In fact they seem relieved that I’m not looking for ‘the one’ right from the first date. Demanding that a man is not dating anyone else from your first meeting? Good luck. I think most men would run from that as an ultimatum too early in the relationship or simply lie and tell you what you want to hear.
“If you do find a guy who can satisfy that requirement, great, but I think you’re seriously limiting your dating pool. As far as attracting a player is concerned, my point was to state that some men choose to take themselves out of the player mode when they find the right person.
“If the man I’m seeing returns to his playing ways, so be it – there’s nothing I can do about it. The same free will that allows him to decide he wants to see me exclusively allows him to leave that relationship if it’s not what he wants. I think the fact that I feel this way makes me more attractive to my guy – it’s the old ‘if you want something, let it go free’ adage.
“I can’t help who I’m attracted to any more than the next person. But if he says he wants to try an exclusive relationship, I am willing to believe that until have a reason not to.
“If I’m looking for that complete package, why would I not try it when it’s offered to me? To assume that once a player, always a player is to doom the relationship from the start.
“Don’t get me wrong, I’ve dumped players whom I knew continued to lie to me, but if I think someone is being genuine, I listen to my intuition and let things work from there. As a final point, please don’t confuse my idea of casual dating with casual sex.
“Dating to me means going out for coffee, drinks, dinner, a movie, an event, hanging out, and kissing if the mutual desire is there. There is no sex involved.
“Once I bed down with someone, I don’t continue going on these dates with other men, and I don’t entertain the idea of sleeping with other men. I ask that my partner do the same (usually this seems to be a mutual agreement).
“So, yes, I suppose once I start sleeping with someone I am a serial monogamist, but not until then. If I sleep with someone who claims to be monogamous and then discover he is still playing the field, we have a discussion. That for me is time when an ultimatum may be appropriate.”
