There is a science of almost everything – the science of getting rich, the science of getting along with other people, the science of managing others, or becoming an influencer; and, yes, the science of getting Mr. Right! It turns out that finding the man of your dreams lends itself to "new-age" success principles, including emotional intelligence, affirmations, visualization, reticular activation, and so on...
And as we’ll see shortly, just like with all the dream-builder "assets" we show you how to design here at Asset Writer, finding your Mr. Right starts by putting pen to paper. A really low-cost asset to help you find a lasting solution to a vexing problem. Did you know that successful women and very pretty women have the hardest time finding Mr. Right?
But before we look at the science of finding and getting married to a guy you can have fun with today and twenty, fifty years from now, first let’s look at the most common, and hugely flawed approach that gets many people, men and women, snared into bad, unsatisfying, and typically short-lived relationships and marriages…
The Emotionally UNINTELLIGENT way of finding Mr. Right
For most people, dating often starts as a chance meeting where physical attraction leads you to relationships that you “end up in” rather than a choice you stopped and thought about. You get caught up in the excitement of meeting someone new and you give in to the rush.
“Coach,” Gary said to the relationship coach. “I need to get out of my relationship.”
Gary was 38 years old and a successful screenwriter. He was also perpetually single with a long history of failed relationships. His situation is typical: he wasn’t necessarily afraid of something long-term, he just could never find “The One.” Gary could never stay in a romantic situation for long before moving on to something new.
With this latest relationship, with Pat, he once again found himself feeling stuck with someone he didn’t want to be with. He told the coach his story.
“I met Pat about a year ago. I was at a bar and there she was. She looked awesome and had a great smile. I was attracted and I just had to get to know her.”
For Gary it always started with physical attraction. “We really hit it off.” He said. “The next thing you know, we are heavily involved. Things were great at least…the first six months were a blast…really fun. I think I gained ten pounds though. My buddy calls it the Love Diet. You stop going to the gym, order in, and stay in bed day and night.”
His enthusiasm began to fade as he added, “After the first six months things slowly started to change. We started to get to know each other outside of the bedroom. The more we talked, the more I realized that I had nothing in common with her. And to be honest…this is sort of rough to admit…I wasn’t interested in a thing she had to say.”
“Our relationship became tense at worst and polite at best. Little things started to bug me. The way she chewed her food drove me insane. The way she laughed…it was this high-pitched squeal that I think only dogs could hear… it made me nuts.”
Gary sighed. “I’m getting on her nerves too. Last week Pat nearly shoved me out of bed because she said I was snoring too loud.”
Gary then straightened up and locked eyes with his relationship coach.
“We need to break up and it’s been a long time coming anyhow. I’m okay with that. But what I really need to figure out is: what the heck is going on in my relationships? It’s always the same. Is it me? Am I meeting the right women? I’m 38 and I still haven’t figured it out.”
That’s what happens when you get into relationships without leveraging your emotional intelligence. It happens to the best of us, so don’t knock yourself down if you’ve been in this sort of situation before, because in the next section we’ll look at how to leverage emotional intelligence to quadruple your chances of making smarter choices – and avoiding this mistake.
Why do we “end up in” relationships we quickly get to regret? Because we allowed the reptilian brain to make choices for us! The reptilian brain is a left-over from the time our ancestors were lizards – or was it fish or snakes? It’s the “go-forth-and-procreate” programming we inherited from the reptiles. It’s called sexual attraction.
Sexual attraction is based on a primitive and powerful feeling that can "hijack" you into the sort of relationship Gary above “ended up in.”
It comes from the reptilian brain and it is automatic and powerful because it relates to our survival. It is not in itself a reason to act or react. So the best advice is to learn to tame the reptilian signals and not let yourself get "hijacked."
The Emotionally INTELLIGENT Way to Find & Get Mr. Right
Before you commit to a long relationship with someone, there are specific personality traits you should have in common with that person, to quadruple the chances of having fun together for years, and enjoying a good relationship.
- Similar physical texture (thick skinned/thin skinned)
- Similar emotional stability
- Similar degree of tolerance
- Similar intelligence/understanding of situations
- Similar interests
Without these five traits, you and your partner/spouse will live on difference planes, different worlds. You’ll be inclined to drift apart sooner or later.
Couples grow by adjusting to their differences, but sometimes, the amount of the difference may be too much. When you get someone with whom you’re compatible on these five points above, a certain level of love will almost always exist that gives both of you a reason for being willing to adjust to your partner/spouse’s differences.
That’s because growth in a relationship should come from doing things together, allowing things to happen, accepting your partner as he/she is, and changing what you can. It involves sharing and caring.
Couples usually don't mind working at their relationship as long as they have a closeness to each other. They don't want divorce or separation; they want to forge understanding.
Ten Ways To Use Your Emotional Intelligence To Choose Mr. Right
You hear this all the time… a married woman complaining about a husband who spends weekends on the couch watching sports, or playing video games. Or a woman complaining about a husband who can’t help around the house, even to fit a light bulb. Didn't these women notice these guys were sports fanatics while they were dating? Did they think things would change after the wedding?
Before we give you the top 10 ways to choose a good partner using your emotional intelligence, first this warning...
Patience is part of this game. This is a timeless truth. Successful action fills your heart with joy, but you must “have the patience to wait, till your mud settles and the water is clear… to remain unmoving till the right action [or opportunity] arises by itself.” (from The Art of What Works by William Duggan, taken from the Tao Te Ching, 5th Century B.C.)
1. If sexual attraction threatens to overwhelm and cloud your judgment, stop and take a second look; get up to your limbic brain (which directs bonding, parenting, and relationships) and your neo-cortex (which directs thinking) for this important decision.
The goal in emotional intelligence is management of emotions, experiencing them and putting them to good use, not controlling them. Remember that 2 of our 3 brains “don’t take orders,” which means you’ll have feelings – some you like, some you don’t; some you want, some you don’t want. Remember, they’re “just” feelings and let them float around and go their way.
Choose carefully which ones you act on, and remember they need to be experienced, but not necessarily expressed. Patience is part of the game.
2. Touching is very important to our mental and physical health, and it’s especially important for some people. If you’re one of these, choose a partner who is affectionate, who likes to touch you and be touched.
3. Most communication is nonverbal: Choose a partner who looks at you with affection and kindness in their eyes. Emotions are contagious and largely transmitted through the eyes! Just don’t confuse lust with love!
4. Think as well as feel your way through this decision: Emotional intelligence means using all three of your brains – including the neo-cortex, the thinking brain. Contrary to what you may think, emotional intelligence doesn't mean "only emotions." It means thinking as well as feeling.
Consider compatibility – family background, values, goals, how he takes care of his physical and mental health. Consider general living style. Things to look out for here include drug use, when he likes to get up and go to bed, his level of neatness, and how quiet you like it to be. Pay attention.
You’ll be living with this person. Do use your intuition. It's a strong guide. Take advantage of it.
5. Consider his emotional self-awareness, and his awareness of your emotions; his ability at empathy. Studies show that one of the most predictive traits for compatibility is if your man is able to sense it when you’re sad.
6. How optimistic is he? Optimism is the facilitator of all the emotional intelligence competencies. In addition, optimists live longer, enjoy better health, heal more quickly, and accomplish more. Emotions are contagious, and optimism is a force-field you want in your life. And the good news is, it can be learned!
7. Be intentional, and expect it in Mr. Right: Intentionality is an emotional intelligence competency that means saying what you mean and meaning what you say. It also means being accountable for the motives behind your actions. You’ll need to be in touch with this yourself, and have a man who is as well, because partnering requires a commitment, i.e., Intentionality.
Intentionality means your actions are “meditated” and well-intentioned, so you don’t find yourself making the excuse, "I didn’t mean to…" This is a high-level skill – and a good one to look out for in Mr. Right.
8. Consider the level of your intended Mr. Right’s resilience. You’ll be together a long time, through ups and downs, and life can bring up some testing circumstances. How does he manage adverse events and setbacks? Does he bounce back eventually? Has he been able to grow through adversity, not just go through it?
9. How do you and your partner manage anger? How does he manage his own or your anger? Studies show that the most successful couples are those who are able to soothe one another instead of agitating and escalating in an argument.
10. How balanced is his life? Does he combine learning, working and leisure? Studies show that people who die in their 5th and 6th decade have this life trajectory: school, then work, then leisure. Resilient seniors combine all three during all stages of their life. You'll want Mr. Right to be around a long time!
These ten points above should be on your checklist as you go about creating a list of the things you want and don’t want in Mr. Right. Next let’s look at creating an avatar of Mr. Right…
The Science of Getting Mr. Right
Life is fraught with ups and downs, so it's critical to marry someone you can have fun with, today and fifty years from now. Here's how you can find a man that meets this requirement:
1. Write down a list of the things you like to do. Then do them. On the dating sites, women, and men, claim this and that, hoping to attract a mate. One of them might claim to enjoy long walks on the beach. Or to enjoy reading romances, etc. But if the woman who claims to enjoy long walks by the beach actually took long walks on the beach, they'd very likely meet good men who enjoy these walks too – and get, hopefully, happily married!
So, the first thing, look at the things you have written down in this list we proposed above and go out and do them where you can meet likeminded people of the opposite sex.
If you like to read, hang out in a bookstore. If the bookstore has a cafe, become a regular there. If you like beer and bands, grab a friend and get to know the faces at a neighborhood bar (take a cab because we don’t recommend drinking and driving).
Do what you like to do.
2. Write down a list of things you'd like to do but haven't gotten around to doing yet. Would you like to build a bird cage? Check out the list of classes near you. Want to learn how to fix your transmission? Take an auto repair course. Women are bound to meet men there. If you're bent on improving your money-management skills, take a finance course. You'll likely meet smart, upwardly-mobile men there.
The key to attracting a man who you can have fun with 10, 25, and 50 years from now is to do the things that make you happy today.
Then see who shows up.
The Nuts and Bolts Of Creating a Mr. Right Avatar
It’s easy to attract the wrong men if you didn’t take the time to make it crystal-clear to your subconscious mind what you want in Mr. Right. Lots of women inadvertently end up with men similar in many respects to abusive father figures in their past lives – exactly the sort they would say they never wanted in the first place!
So, the first step really is to determine what you want in a relationship, what you think will make you feel secure and at peace – what will bring you joy.
Write down a list of the qualities your perfect husband should offer.
If you’ve had a history of dating men who disappointed you (liars for example, or cheaters, or guys who just stopped calling or showing up), then you already know what qualities you do not want. In that case you know what you want (the exact opposite). You want somebody who is loyal, loving, reliable, successful, and fun. Fun is important because most married people are bored out of their minds. So, maybe fun is critically important to you.
But be careful to get your priorities right. Maybe fun is important to you, but you’ve had a history of dating people who were fun but not reliable, or fun but not loyal, or fun but not consistently loving, or fun but not successful.
You do not want to be, five or ten years from tying the knot, just another bored couple staring into space at an outdoor pizzeria! Also, you don’t want to marry some fun guy who will drink the grocery money, or one that hangs out in strip clubs, or one that goes hot and cold on you, or a man who will not be there when you need him.
In short, you want a husband who will offer a lot more than just fun. Your job then is to decide what qualities you want in a husband. Perhaps you want a rich guy. Write it down. Rich is good, but make sure you list additional qualities that ensure a successful and happy marriage. You can insist the man have a full head of hair, if that’s important to you. But is it really? Get your priorities in good order.
Next, write an affirmation, such as "I am happily married to a loyal, loving, reliable, successful, fun man." As we saw in “How To Write Personal Affirmations That Can Keep You Focused, Persistent & Enthusiastic…” write this affirmation like 15 times a day. If you have a favorite love song or any song that motivates you, perks you up, play it as you write the affirmations, to inject feeling into the writing.
Here’s the format of the affirmation: “I am happily married to (or in a relationship with) a ……, …….., ……., ……. man.”
Within a couple of weeks you’ll begin to feel a shift inside you. Visualize and make yourself believe that you will marry a man who will make you happy. Believe that you can be yourself without worrying about him cheating on you, or abandoning you, or smothering you to death.
So, to sum up:
- Determine what you don't want
- Determine what you do want
- Manifest what you want by focusing on it and by writing an affirmation about it
- Say it out loud while you're in the shower or some other private place (of course you don’t want to blurt it out around the water cooler!)
- Keep it up for at least 30 days. Be consistent.
- Notice the changes within yourself.
- Notice the changes in the men you attract – then pick and choose.
Be sure to write what you do want in a man, not what you don’t want. For instance, if you have a habit of dating problem drinkers you might include responsible drinker or "sober" on your list. You know what you don’t want, so write the opposite on your list. Keep it positive.
If you have a habit of dating cheaters, then write faithful. If you don’t want a cheapskate, write generous. You get the picture. Before you go to bed, look over your list.
Your subconscious mind will work on attracting a man with these qualities while you sleep. Leave the list on your night-table and look it over first thing in the mornings.
This isn’t hocus pocus. It can work for you if you’re consistent. It’s the same process more or less that people such as Jack Canfield and Arnold Schwarzenegger have used to achieve extra-ordinary success in their lives. These success principles work for getting rich and famous – and for getting Mr. Right.
Here’s Arnold Schwarzenegger’s take on using visualization and affirmations to get what you want (he went from little-known body builder to one of the biggest stars in Hollywood to governor of the richest state in the USA):
“What you do is create a vision of who you want to be, and then live into that picture, as if it were already true.” ~ Arnold Schwarzenegger
He used this in body-building, he used it in Hollywood, and in politics.
And here’s Jack Canfield on the power of affirmations and visualization to manifest what you want:
"Everything you want is out there waiting for you to ask. Everything you want also wants you. But you have to take action to get it." ~ Jack Canfield
Mr. Right is out there waiting for you to show up. He wants you. But you have to take intelligent action to find and claim him!
For good measure, here's a quote by Thomas Edison, probably the un-luckiest, but most persistent inventor there ever was:
"Never go to bed without giving your subconscious mind a problem to solve" ~ Thomas Edison
Will this formula lead to happy relationships 100% of the time? It may not, unfortunately. But it more than quadruples the chances that the man you get will be as close to Mr. Right as possible.
Physical attraction alone isn’t enough to carry a long-term relationship as we have seen. Also, having things in common alone won’t satisfy you. You still need physical attraction. You may find tons of men who will seem perfect, but not attractive to you. But, with this approach, you’re meeting men who you have pre-qualified, men you have things in common with, whose personalities mesh with yours.
You’ve already laid the foundation to take your dating beyond the physical. If you find a man who is attractive, and you have a lot in common, go for it (for him). If not exactly as attractive as you want, maybe you’re over-rating the value of looks! So, re-evaluate.
On balance, a guy who respects you, is loyal, and successful, and checks most of the other boxes except for being super-looking is likely a better catch than an attractive guy that needs a lot of work to "mold" into becoming the man of your dreams - which in most cases leaves you with no guarantees whatsoever.
This approach above may work with online dating, but until you meet the man, and satisfy the physical attraction bit and other qualities, it’s still touch and go. Remember, patience is part of the game.
And lastly, if it’s good for the goose, guess what... it’s good for the gander! This post could equally have been written for the guys out there If it works for the girls though, guess what... it works for the guys!
Make smart women's dating choices... we've compiled a large collection of common dating frequently asked questions, problems, and frustrations, with answers, at this link. Men too can benefit from reading these insights. Enjoy!
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