Burned out at work, this guy decided to quit. But then he got advice from his mentor: stay, do what you like doing, refuse the rest. He heeded this incredible piece of advice and guess what – the guy became more popular, also more effective and productive! More importantly, he found time for his family.
Lessons in there for dads – and moms too. If you’re a dad and you can still find time to play with your kids, kudos. You’re in a small, dwindling minority. Technology has intruded into our lives too much that most dads can't afford this simple "luxury".
You buy Junior a video game console; Junior who probably spends all day cooped up indoors at home, while you work away from home. You spend most of your day glued to a screen of some sort, and today most corporate environments expect you to take work home, because, well, you have the technology to work from home – for the company.
So, tough luck for Junior, because now you’re at home, duty still calls.
And yet this is a really bad time to not play with your kids. Because of rising insecurity in the cities, the space has shrunk (and continues to shrink daily) for unstructured play -- the kind we enjoyed growing up. This has fueled the high rates of video game addiction in kids, especially for the boys.
According to Alan & Barbara Pease (Why Men Don’t Listen And Women Can’t Read Maps: Why We're Different And What To Do About It) girls still have role models, which probably explains why they aren’t as addicted to video games. But the boys, if you’re not there as the dad to be the role model, guess who they’re getting to role model – guys like Jean Claude Van Damme…
“Today’s boys are lacking suitable role models from whom to learn most of the manners and values that once defined men of good breeding,” Alan & Barbara wrote
“Four out of five primary school teachers are now female and more and more boys are being raised by single mothers. A man who role-models a traditional male attribute such as holding a door open for a woman can be accused of being sexist, chauvinist or aggressive.
“Role models for girls are plentiful with most women still role-modelling warmth, communication and nurturing to the younger female generation. While female role models such as Elle MacPherson, Barbra Streisand, Hillary Clinton, the late Princess Diana and Madonna all showed masculine attributes like self-assertiveness and sexual independence, they also role-modelled the typical female nurturing behaviors.
“Even the Iron Lady, Margaret Thatcher, had no problem with showing her feminine side in the face of human tragedy or loss. But boys now lack male role-models.”
According to Alan & Barbara Pease, pop culture in the past had exemplary role models for boys; names like Clarke Gable, James Dean and James Bond. These displayed classic male traits but they also role-modelled manners, courtesy, respect for women and would defend their family or friends if necessary.
But these role-models have now been replaced in the pop culture by stars such as Sylvester Stallone, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Bruce Willis and Jean Claude Van Damme. This new breed of role models play characters “who use violence to solve their problems and cause mindless destruction of other people's property; or wimpy characters like Hugh Grant who role-models more female behaviors than male.”
So, dads, find the time, step in, and fill this void!
For most of us play has become a non-essential activity. According to Greg McKeown, in Essentialism: The Disciplined Pursuit of Less;
“…Play is essential in many ways. Stuart Brown, the founder of the National Institute for Play, has studied what are called the play histories of some six thousand individuals and has concluded that play has the power to significantly improve everything from personal health to relationships to education to organizations’ ability to innovate.
“Play,” he says, “leads to brain plasticity, adaptability, and creativity.” As he succinctly puts it, “Nothing fires up the brain like play.”
Play in other words is good for Junior; it's also good for Daddy! Daddy playing with Junior offers opportunities for one-on-one time, bonding, quality time together, and all these deepen your relationship. Someone once wrote:
“One-on-one time are the coat hooks where each of your children will hang their memories of you.” ~ Michael Grose (www.parentingideas.com.au)
This new order where work is all-consuming is especially damaging for men. In The Way Of The Superior Man: A Spiritual Guide To Mastering The Challenges Of Women, Work And Sexual Desire, David Deida wrote:
“But, for you [the man], things are different. When your intimacy is going bad, you can’t wait to leave the house and go to work; there, you can be in your element, aligned with your purpose, and happy. For you, the intimacy is just one aspect of your life. When you are absorbed in your mission, you often forget entirely about your intimacy. For your woman, the intimacy is at the core of her life and colors everything else she does. This is the primary asymmetry in intimacy.”
And in Essentialism Greg McKeown wrote;
“When people believe that their efforts at work don’t matter, they tend to respond in one of two ways. Sometimes they check out and stop trying, like the mathematically challenged child.
“The other response is less obvious at first. They do the opposite. They become hyperactive. They accept every opportunity presented. They throw themselves into every assignment. They tackle every challenge with gusto. They try to do it all.
“This behavior does not necessarily look like learned helplessness at first glance. After all, isn’t working hard evidence of one’s belief in one’s importance and value? [think ‘purpose’, for the men]
“Yet on closer examination we can see this compulsion to do more is a smokescreen. These people don’t believe they have a choice in what opportunity, assignment, or challenge to take on. They believe they ‘have to do it all.’
Now imagine a man who’s intimacy is not going too well, who’s being overlooked at work or unappreciated, who then responds by trying to do it all, because working hard is evidence of his belief in his importance and value... He'll be starting his "workday" a few minutes after midnight! He's going to find little time for his wife, and none for Junior.
Sam Eliot decided he’d had enough of it…
“Sam Elliot is a capable executive in Silicon Valley who found himself stretched too thin after his company was acquired by a larger, bureaucratic business. He was in earnest about being a good citizen in his new role so he said yes to many requests without really thinking about it.
“But as a result he would spend the whole day rushing from one meeting and conference call to another trying to please everyone and get it all done. His stress went up as the quality of his work went down. It was like he was majoring in minor activities and as a result, his work became unsatisfying for him and frustrating for the people he was trying so hard to please.
“In the midst of his frustration the company came to him and offered him an early retirement package. But he was in his early 50s and had no interest in completely retiring. He thought briefly about starting a consulting company doing what he was already doing. He even thought of selling his services back to his employer as a consultant. But none of these options seemed that appealing.
“So he went to speak with a mentor who gave him surprising advice: ‘Stay, but do what you would as a consultant and nothing else. And don’t tell anyone.’ In other words, his mentor was advising him to do only those things that he deemed essential – and ignore everything else that was asked of him.
“The executive followed the advice! He made a daily commitment towards cutting out the red tape. He began saying no. He was tentative at first. He would evaluate requests based on the timid criteria, ‘Can I actually fulfill this request, given the time and resources I have?’
“If the answer was no then he would refuse the request. He was pleasantly surprised to find that while people would at first look a little disappointed, they seemed to respect his honesty. Encouraged by his small wins he pushed back a bit more.
“Now when a request would come in he would pause and evaluate the request against a tougher criteria: ‘Is this the very most important thing I should be doing with my time and resources right now?’
“If he couldn’t answer a definitive yes, then he would refuse the request. And once again to his delight, while his colleagues might initially seem disappointed, they soon began to respect him more for his refusal, not less.
“Emboldened, he began to apply this selective criteria to everything, not just direct requests. In his past life he would always volunteer for presentations or assignments that came up last minute; now he found a way to not sign up for them.
“He used to be one of the first to jump in on an e-mail trail, but now he just stepped back and let others jump in. He stopped attending conference calls that he only had a couple of minutes of interest in. He stopped sitting in on the weekly update call because he didn’t need the information.
“He stopped attending meetings on his calendar if he didn’t have a direct contribution to make. He explained to me;
“Just because I was invited didn’t seem a good enough reason to attend.”
“It felt self-indulgent at first. But by being selective he bought himself space, and in that space he found creative freedom.
“He could concentrate his efforts on one project at a time. He could plan thoroughly. He could anticipate roadblocks and start to remove obstacles. Instead of spinning his wheels trying to get everything done, he could get the right things done.
“His newfound commitment to doing only the things that were truly important – and eliminating everything else – restored the quality of his work. Instead of making just a millimeter of progress in a million directions he began to generate tremendous momentum towards accomplishing the things that were truly vital. He continued this for several months.
“He immediately found that he not only got more of his day back at work, in the evenings he got even more time back at home. He said;
“I got back my family life! I can go home at a decent time.”
“Now instead of being a slave to his phone he shuts it down. He goes to the gym. He goes out to eat with his wife. To his great surprise, there were no negative repercussions to his experiment.
“His manager didn’t chastise him. His colleagues didn’t resent him. Quite the opposite; because he was left only with projects that were meaningful to him and actually valuable to the company, they began to respect and value his work more than ever.
“His work became fulfilling again. His performance ratings went up. He ended up with one of the largest bonuses of his career!
“In this example is the basic value proposition of Essentialism: only once you give yourself permission to stop trying to do it all, to stop saying yes to everyone, can you make your highest contribution towards the things that really matter.
“What about you? How many times have you reacted to a request by saying yes without really thinking about it? How many times have you resented committing to do something and wondered, ‘Why did I sign up for this?’
“How often do you say yes simply to please? Or to avoid trouble? Or because ‘yes’ had just become your default response? Now let me ask you this: Have you ever found yourself stretched too thin? Have you ever felt both overworked and underutilized?
“Have you ever found yourself majoring in minor activities? Do you ever feel busy but not productive? Like you’re always in motion, but never getting anywhere? If you answered yes to any of these, the way out is the way of the Essentialist.”
(Source: Essentialism - The Disciplined Pursuit Of Less by Greg McKeown)
So, maybe you’re not ready to become an Essentialist; how do you liberate more free time to do the things that matter? Life is too short to waste, and too precious to leave to routine. You want to give more time to your family and friends and, just as importantly, to yourself. You want time to do the stuff that enables you to live to your fullest potential – write a book, or a symphony, educate your son, grow some dahlias…Happiness will then find you!
Sometimes you don’t get enough time to do the things you want to do because you’re accepting to do all the work yourself. This can happen to moms, or even dads, especially if you work from home. Say you have teens who are not pitching in.
The solution to this is to co-opt others who live in the house to help. If they’re going to make your life difficult by complaining non-stop, then lay down the law. Either they help, or everyone puts in for a professional cleaner. (It’s amazing how soon kids will change their tune if it’s a case of “give me a hand or put this week’s allowance towards a cleaner – your choice.”)
Other times we take on too much, as we’ve seen above. This one is incredibly common. Your head is spinning because you’re on a committee for this and a work group for that; you’re on the canteen roster and belong to two different social clubs and you play a sport… and you have to remember where all the kids are at any given time and what they’re doing next…
The solution here is to write down the things you LIKE ( put pen to paper!). Keep those. (You may even have to cut down on some of those if there are too many. You can’t do everything!) Be ruthless with the rest. It’s quite likely that people will beg you to stay on – but you have to be firm. Just tell them that you’re over-committed and for your own sanity you have to cut down.
Don’t be wishy-washy and say you’ll think about it. Just say something like: “Sorry, but my mind’s made up. I’ve enjoyed the time so far, but it’s time to let someone else take over.” You will feel an incredible sense of freedom when you cut loose! Borrow a leaf from Sam Eliot!
Tackle your subtle Addictions!
Many people will be aware of the fact that addictions are used to avoid pain, and most of us are aware of the common addictions: food, alcohol, drugs, gambling, TV, spending, work, sex, video games, rage and so on.
Most people, however, are not aware of the more subtle addictions, the addictions that are often so covert and pervasive that they are as invisible to us as the air we breathe.
Yet these addictions may be impacting us negatively as much as the more overt addictions.
Let’s take a guy we’ll call Gary. Gary is the kind of person who ends up doing everything, both at home and at work. He works much harder in his retail business than either of his two partners, and often feels overwhelmed by the amount of work he has to do.
On weekends, he ends up doing a lot of work around the house, even though he has two strong teenagers who could be helping out. Even when others offer to help, Gary turns them down. Gary is devoted to being a "nice guy" and caretaking others – doing for others what they need to be doing for themselves.
On a deeper level, he is always trying to control how others’ perceive him. He wants them to see him as a caring person and often feels victimized when others do not give him the approval he seeks.
Then, when others react to his attempts to control how they feel about him with irritation or withdrawal, Gary is angry that they are not approving of him. When he is really upset, he will get drunk.
He will often obsessively ruminate about how unjust his wife is or his partners are. If his wife wants to explore their problems, Gary goes into defending, explaining and resisting, stating that she is just trying to control him.
When nothing else works, Gary will withdraw.
There are many addictions going on here. The more overt ones are work, anger and drinking. Gary is also addicted to approval, to controlling how others see him through caretaking, to being a victim and blaming others for his misery, to obsessive thinking (ruminating), to defending, explaining, resisting, and withdrawing.
All of these addictions serve the same purpose as the more overt addictions. They are all attempts to have control over getting love/approval and avoiding pain.
You might want to honestly look inside and see what some of your covert addictions are.
- Are you addicted to blaming others for your unhappy feelings?
- Do you use anger or tears to attempt to make others responsible for you?
- Are you addicted to illness as a way to avoid personal responsibility for yourself?
- Do you constantly give yourself up in an attempt to control how others feel about you?
- Are you more focused on trying to control others feelings about you than you are in taking loving care of yourself?
- How much of your thinking time is spent in daydreaming about what you want to say to others or how you wish life was instead of actually taking loving action for yourself?
- Do you get obsessive in your thinking about what you will say or do in a particular situation?
- How often do you explain and defend yourself rather than opening your mind to learning new stuff, new ways of coping?
- How often do you get angry or withdraw to avoid dealing with yourself?
- How much time do you spend analyzing and figuring out yourself and others as a way to have control?
Any behavior other than taking loving, responsible care of yourself and being open to learning with yourself and others is addictive. All addictive behaviors are attempts to control rather than learn.
Our intent to control or to learn actually governs all our behavior. The solution could be as simple as learning to say no, to choose to only do what’s essential – and refuse the rest.
For the men out there, your subtle additions will inevitably impact your intimacy negatively, which as we've seen can spiral you into a vicious cycle that locks you into learned helplessness. So, take pen and paper, self-analyze, find them and root them out. You may even seek the assistance of your wife/girlfriend; she probably knows you better than you know yourself.
Let’s end this post with Greg McKeown’s own story. This was before he came up with this Essentialist way of life – before he met Sam Eliot. The story highlights how failing to achieve work-life balance can so damage a man…
“On a bright, winter day in California I visited my wife, Anna, in the hospital. Even in the hospital Anna was radiant. But I also knew she was exhausted. It was the day after our precious daughter was born, healthy and happy at 7 pounds, 3 ounces.
“Yet what should have been one of the happiest, most serene days of my life was actually filled with tension. Even as my beautiful new baby lay in my wife’s tired arms, I was on the phone and on e-mail with work, and I was feeling pressure to go to a client meeting.
“My colleague had written, ‘Friday between 1-2 would be a bad time to have a baby because I need you to come be at this meeting with X.’
“It was now Friday and though I was pretty certain (or at least I hoped) the e-mail had been written in jest, I still felt pressure to attend. Instinctively, I knew what to do. It was clearly a time to be there for my wife and newborn child.
“So when asked whether I planned to attend the meeting, I said with all the conviction I could muster … ‘Yes.’ To my shame, while my wife lay in the hospital with our hours-old baby, I went to the meeting.
“Afterward, my colleague said, ‘The client will respect you for making the decision to be here.’
“But the look on the clients’ faces did not evince respect. Instead, they mirrored how I felt. What was I doing there? I had said ‘yes’ simply to please, and in doing so I had hurt my family, my integrity, and even the client relationship.
“As it turned out, exactly nothing came of the client meeting. But even if it had, surely I would have made a fool’s bargain. In trying to keep everyone happy I had sacrificed what mattered most. On reflection I discovered this important lesson: If you don’t prioritize your life, someone else will.”
(Source: Essentialism - The Disciplined Pursuit Of Less)
