If you’re a professionally successful woman and you’re having a hard time finding Mr. Right, this report will help you discover why you’re not finding nice guys with opinions who stand up for themselves and know how to take control, guys with all the other good qualities you’re looking for in a man.
As you might expect with our posts and reports on Asset Writer, you’re going to need pen and paper before we’re done!
There are three major reasons why you could be facing this problem:
- You’re too busy and it’s simply easier to NOT let Mr. Right in than to go to all the trouble of finding him
- You’re the kind of woman who constantly berates men in her life and makes them feel they’re a disappointment to her
- You’re the kind of woman who expects her suitors to be captivated by her CV or her success. When things don’t work out with men, you explain it away, saying or thinking: “He was just intimidated by me.”
Part of the solution is to work it out which of these factors above are contributing to your problem. Well give you a plan of action how to do this. We'll also show you how to make the necessary changes in how you approach men on a date such that you avoid these mistakes you've been making, most likely inadvertently.
This report references a cry for help, and testimonials and contributions by women (and men) who've been in a similar situation; info that appeared on a public forum where people could post anonymously (so we can assume it's accurate and good-intentioned).
Let’s look at these points in more depth…
Women with problem #1 find they have no time for the dating game. Of course they will be meeting men… they work in offices or workplaces after all. But “if every waking hour of your life is filled with work, friends, travel and hobbies, when exactly do you expect to fit in a husband?”
If you stop to think about it, it’s nearly impossible to fall in love if you never meet single men; nearly impossible to fall in love if you don’t go on first dates; nearly impossible to fall in love if you don’t make an effort to be available for a relationship. You can have a great, fulfilling life, but you will not find a partner unless you get really, really, really, lucky.
Problem #2 isn’t unique to professionally successful women. You find plenty of girlish mothers, aunts & girlfriends of all tax brackets who suffer from this issue – women who constantly put their men down.
This problem has more to do with the female communication style in general and less to do with the fact that the woman is more successful than the man.
The third problem is probably the most common, where truly successful women are concerned. They are smart, they’re successful, they’re centered and they lead a rich, fulfilling solo life. So, what’s their problem?
Before we hear from some women in this situation in their own words, this would be a good point to take a break, and take pen and paper to analyze your own situation. Determine or discover, as the case may be, which seems to be your problem exactly – #1, #2, or #3? God forbid that you have problems #2 and #3 both! But if you do, don’t despair… we’ll find some solutions.
Let’s proceed….
Following are two emails two different women sent to a dating coach (a personal trainer for women who want to fall in love):
Hi,
I’m 41, happy with my rounded self, smart, direct, and articulate. I’ve been told that my lack of dates is due to: 1) Men don’t like smart, direct women, and 2) I’m centered, which sends the message that I don’t need anyone.
Are men really that insecure? I’m certainly not going to be less than I am just for someone else’s insecurities. Tell me honestly, [Coach] – are there any good men out there who appreciate a woman who knows herself?
Michelle
This second email was from Catherine…
Hi,
I don’t know what is going on and why I’m lacking luck in finding Mr. Right. I am educated, refined, and a self-made millionaire by age 34.
I am good looking. Many men, women, elderly, and children of all ages have told me so. People also told me that I am one of the nicest and sweetest people they have ever met.
Even though I am 36, most of the people I meet would think that I am only 26. Unfortunately, I have been through all kinds of online dates in the last two and a half years. CEOs, doctors, lawyers, hedge fund managers, business owners, professional athletes, actors, etc…
When I am not interested in them, they work for the relationship day and night. When I am committed to them and act nice and devoted, they start to look elsewhere.
Anyway, in short, I need some serious help and hope to hear back from you soon. Thank you.
Now, there are good men out there near you. Hundreds, probably thousands. And there’s probably nothing wrong going on with the successful women like you who want these guys.
You’re a successful woman and you’re still single, in spite of wanting to settle down and maybe start a family, and there’s nothing wrong with you. There’s nothing wrong with being single. There’s nothing wrong with being alone. There’s nothing wrong with leading a rich, fulfilling solo life. There’s nothing wrong with staying in on Friday nights, when you could be scrambling to go out on dates, like other women.
And no one is telling you to be desperate, to settle, to give up your dreams, or any such advice. But if you don’t take the time to let Mr. Right in, and it’s simply easier to NOT let him in, both you and Mr. Right are going to have a hard time finding each other.
That’s especially for the successful woman with problem #1. So, take the advice in “The #1 Secret (And Formula) To Finding & Getting Mr. Right” and take action.
For the woman with problem #2, the best advice we can give you is to read the book, Why Men Don’t Listen & Women Can’t Read Maps: Why We’re Different And What To Do About It.
This book really does a good job of highlighting the differences in the communication preferences or styles between men and women and it is sure to help people of either sex become better at communicating with people of the opposite sex.
A lot of the conflict and flak we experience in relationships comes from failing to understand why our partners behave a certain way. This book explains it all, based on scientific research.
Some things you probably can’t change in a man – and you shouldn’t even try. As for the things you can change, you’ll be much better equipped to help your man change if you fully understand why he behaves how he does. This book can really help.
Next, let’s address the big elephant in the room…
There are lots of men out there who like smart women – and don’t feel intimidated by them. But why does it happen that all these successful men are not connecting with all these successful women?
“Because there’s much more going on than merely a meeting of the minds. What never occurs to the successful women complaining is that they’re being evaluated on far more than their most impressive traits.”
For most of us, our good traits a lot of the time come with some downsides that are painful to acknowledge. These downsides turn some people down. Let’s see…
You probably see yourself as being bright. Another person sees you as being opinionated.
You’re analytical, so you like getting to the root of the matter, etc. The guy you’re dating thinks you’re difficult.
You’re funny, and you like to show it. Your date sees you as being sarcastic.
You have moral clarity. Others see you as arrogant.
You’re entrepreneurial, and proud to be. Others think you’re a workaholic.
You’re charismatic but others think you’re self-centered.
Of course, not every person who is bright is opinionated. Not every person who is funny is sarcastic, and so on as listed above…but people make these correlations anyway – and this can work against you.
So, this is where you take pen and paper and start analyzing your interactions with the men in your life. What qualities do you project? List all the good qualities you think you project, and those traits others have intimated you project – when you’re with men or with other women. Take at least 15 minutes creating this list.
It might be a good idea to get other people to help you with putting this list together because we can get blind to our own qualities, both the good and the bad.
When you do this exercise above it might surprise you for example to find that while you think of yourself as being direct, others may tell you you’re tactless!
That’s the kind of revelation you may only get from a close friend, or perhaps a relative.
After you have this list, take your “impressive” traits and try to spin them in a negative direction. It might be instructive to first take some traits you dislike about some people in your circles – people you work with or some of your friends or your friend’s friends and then spin their bad or “unimpressive” traits in a positive direction. Presumably, this will be how they look at themselves.
An example… a person who talks a lot can quite reasonably claim to be good at small talk. A person like that probably thinks he or she is doing you a service by keeping the conversation going, especially if you suck at small talk.
If you take a person who interrupts others at the workplace, barging into other people’s cubicles or offices, such a person can reasonably say he likes being around others. And he or she wouldn’t see why that should bother you, because being around other people is good, isn’t it, and those cubicles can look like a prison cell sometimes, yes?
Heck, you could do this for fun in your downtime! But the purpose of this exercise above is to show you how easy it is to spin our weaknesses, ah, traits, positively, where others see them negatively.
To continue with our previous discussion, if you take Michelle’s email we saw earlier, although she has impressive credentials – attractive, successful, intelligent – she might not be giving men what they want from a woman.
If she says she’s “direct” it could mean that she tells her dates what she thinks of them – even if her date didn’t ask!
Or she tries to change partners who have no desire to be changed. When that happens and the partner pulls away because he doesn’t want to be with someone so critical, because she’s direct, she concludes that he couldn’t appreciate her “honesty.”
These revelations above may hit where it hurts for some women, but it’s better you know what’s making you lose.
“You can’t expect to win unless you know why you lose” ~ Benjamin Lipson
There is always a price to pay for being ourselves. And any time you’re determined to express your opinion, don’t get surprised if other people disagree with you.
If you’re the kind of person who tries to win every argument, don’t get too shocked if your man wants a woman who can be a little more acquiescent.
So, stop and take stock… are you giving the men what they want? Most probably you’re not, if you’re still single and asking “where are all the good men?”
One solution of course is to tone down some of your traits. This is more realistic than to expect the men you meet to change. Change starts on a personal level, and yet people are always complaining that others should change. That’s one of the most common emotional intelligence mistakes – to think that for your situation to improve others must change!
That’s not how the world works. The emotionally intelligent option is to see what you can do differently, not what all the men, or even the one prospect you have now, how he should change.
That being said, the best piece of advice we can give you, to end this report, comes from a successful woman who ended up in a bad relationship, broke up, but then found the man of her dreams – her dreamboat love! Meet Mrs. Vee…she offers an alternative perspective:
“To preface my story, I too, once fancied myself as a bit of a prize – cute and well-educated. I set high goals for myself and reached them. My professional life came surprisingly easy to me, and thus I generally walked around very impressed with myself.
“So anyway, in my late twenties, I found myself seriously involved with a man who wanted to marry me. He was charismatic and funny, intense and intelligent. There was only one small problem, though: I couldn’t stop finding things wrong with him that I wanted to change.
“He was tactless. A mama’s boy. He had obnoxious friends. He was poor. He was vain. He was afraid of being misunderstood, so he talked incessantly. His constant anxiety had an effeminate energy to it, and so conversely, his “bawdy” tendencies (i.e. flirting with/ogling other women) seemed incongruous and compoundingly off-putting.
“We spent the last months of our relationship in battle. I’m sure I was driving him nuts because – to his credit – he was trying to improve himself for me and consequently walking on eggshells all the time. And I was driving myself crazy because, instead of focusing on the poor guy’s positives, it was like I was forever meditating on his faults.
“When it ended, I was a complete mess. I didn’t like the nagging shrew I’d become in the relationship. I’d totally lost sight of why we were together in the first place. And because I’m the self-reflective type, I took perhaps more than my share of the blame for the demise of our relationship. I concluded I’d been too Type A, and needed to tone it down for the next guy.
“…I decided I should have spent my time loving and supporting him, and not challenging his shortcomings. I’d felt that perhaps my personal accomplishments had only amplified his insecurities and vowed to keep them tucked away next time.
“My point is that it turned out I was making the same error in thinking that I see running through this discussion thread. People are unnecessarily connecting the dots between a woman being proud of her success and being overbearing/critical.
“Here’s what I learned: My conclusions were wrong. After I broke up with the man in my story, I had about two other boyfriends before meeting the one I married. Since [that first man], I found I didn’t have to conceal my ‘personal power’ from the men I dated.
“Not one of them elicited from me the desire to nag or correct them. It wasn’t my high income or forwardness that led to problems. Today, my lovely husband earns a little less than me, but he wins about every other argument. He never felt threatened by my tax bracket or the property I owned. He tears down and rebuilds the deck, mends fences, assembles bikes for me, dominates us athletically, provides valuable input for all decisions we make as a family, but he still encourages my successes (because they’re OUR successes, really). He was right for me. He was easy.
“… Looking back, with [that first man], I don’t say to myself “I wish I’d toned it down and hadn’t nagged him for the sake of the relationship.” I just shouldn’t have nagged him PERIOD, and gotten out of the relationship as soon as I realized I couldn’t accept his flaws unconditionally.
“We could have saved months of heartache. With no disrespect to him, I’m glad I broke up with [the first man] because I believe he’s happily involved with someone else now, and it ultimately paved the way for me to meet the dreamboat love of my life.
“It’s not that I disagree with the advice given in this discussion thread.
“If you are a forceful, accomplished woman who attributes her relationship failures to male insecurity, then please do sit up and take notice of the valuable advice dispensed here today. If however, you are a successful woman, currently with a partner you often find yourself frequently fighting with and wishing were somehow different – if your relationship is characterized by a struggle to suppress your critical thinking faculties – well, yes perhaps you’re letting your Type A tendencies rule your perspective on the relationship and you could choose to try toning it down a bit.
“But consider also that some men [may be close to being Mr. Right for you, but with some qualities that they genuinely do need to change] but [it could be better for you] to choose to simply move on.
“The solution isn’t always to suck it up and persevere 100% of the time. From my experience, having faith, an open mind, the courage to let go of a bird in hand, and a LOT of patience will lead you to a loving man whom you won’t want to change a thing about.”
Straight from the horse’s mouth! And that’s it for this post. If you liked the advice, share it with friends. Share buttons are just below.
(Parts of this report are condensed from content that was first published on a public forum on EvanMarcKatz.com. Evan Marc Katz is a personal trainer for women who want to fall in love.)
