Women whose dads were players have experiences that may cast a cloud on their dating as the examples below will show. In this post we’ll look at these problems that are unique to these women and their sometimes distorted views on men – and provide some solutions.
This original poster wrote, in a public forum where people could post anonymously…
“I am tall, blonde, 36, and curvy. I also have a unique problem. I was raised by a "player type" father, and I am unfortunately too comfortable with their games. As a result, I blow men off very quickly when I see the signs of being a ‘player’.
“If they don’t call me when they say they will, I just move on and delete their number. When they do call and I don’t recognize the number, they get upset. If they ask me out for Sunday and don’t call to confirm, I assume we are not going.
“When I do talk to them, they ask why I didn’t call and get upset. I know if I sleep with them on the first date, they will not call me ever, so I don’t chase them, even if we have a great two days of conversation and sex.
“I do sometimes wonder if I should though. If I know I am going to sleep with the guy, I will tell them up front that I want sex because I know we won’t see each other again. They try to woo me over and say I am wrong and I just say ‘who cares’.
“I sometimes think I am already assuming it is over before it begins because I know "he isn’t that into me". How do I know if they are into me since I now think like men?
“I feel like they have to basically kiss my ass until I become fully aware, because now I feel as though I am somehow rejecting them before they have a chance. Is that okay or am I just being smart?
“Hard to ask my friends because they’re needy and I’m not. I do not call unless they call, chase or bug unless I want sex. In person ‘I live in the moment,’ knowing full well men do too. I even listen to the ‘I want a family speech’ and smile and playfully change the subject since I know it is meaningless.
“They even give me the speech that they are not ready for a commitment and I know they are trying to protect me, but I find it odd because I didn’t do anything to warrant the conversation. I know if he is into you, he will act it and all these speeches mean nothing. (You can tell all your female clients that these guys call me for years as friends because I don’t chase them, BTW).
“I am just bothered because I am not dating them, and I want to date and have a good time and eventually find a good partner. I think I am pretty hot and fun so I am not too worried. Most younger men chase me, men my age are threatened and older men just don’t have the energy, but yes, chase hard. They all tell me ‘I am too cool’ and I don’t say that with pride BTW.
“So, [Mr. Dating Coach (EvanMarcKatz.com)], am I being too cool or really playing smart? How do I get to the dating part or is this normal by weeding out so quickly? And why do they all, I mean all, come back to me after I blow them off? Thanks for your time!”
Okay, this lady has other emotional/psychological issues and her approach and attitude are not typical for women whose dads were players. We’ll analyze her notions and beliefs about men shortly, but first, here’s another poster with a player dad…
“My dad wasn’t exactly a player, but he had all kinds of – ahem – literature as he called it, and thought nothing of lusting after other women in front of my mother, though I’m sure dad was always faithful to her… Boy, the minute I see something that appears to be a “game”, I bail. Well, I have done that. I have met a really great guy and that’s causing me to have to get out of my comfort zone, deal with that inability to trust and be vulnerable.”
Here’s yet another poster whose dad was a player…
“My dad was a player as well and he taught me the rules of the games and how he played it. I remember the whole “now there are certain types of guys you are going to be attracted to” speech… We have to be patient and empathetic to those that are pursuing us and maybe just maybe you can let a guy in, to see who you really are.”
In looking at what to do if your views on men are tainted by your dad having been a player, here’s the first piece of advice: Don’t judge men on how your father behaved, unless you are looking for a father.
While it’s okay to want to protect yourself, you need to at least let the men you date know that you’re interested in being chased by them. And the good news is that once you’ve met a guy you’ve really sparked with and you really fell for him, in all likelihood your little “protective” games will go out the window, as we saw from the second poster.
If a guy you’re dating doesn’t feel that you’re interested in a relationship he’ll quickly lose interest in you. So you want to avoid leaving the man wondering, “Is she disinterested, or she’s just playing it cool? Given a choice, a man will expend his time and energy on a woman who shows that she is into him as much as he’s into her not one who is disinterested or playing it way too cool.
Regarding the first poster, she said she thinks like men. But she showed limited understanding about how other men think. Even worse, she assumed that her insight into player guys allowed her to understand how other men think.
If a man told her that he was not interested in commitment, she believed him. If a man told her he wanted a family, she assumed it was meaningless. So, what precisely did she think men who want relationships and families said?
It would appear that her need was to hold men at a distance in an attempt to guarantee they never, ever, got one over on her. And this wasn’t getting her where she wanted to be – finding a guy she could settle down with. In fact this lady, unwittingly perhaps, had become the female version of a player guy!
This level of distrust and hard-balling that she was bringing to the dating scene wasn’t the way to get to real intimacy. It’s a flawed defense mechanism – let nobody in, nobody can hurt you. Flawed because it only works well if you’re looking at staying single – and playing the players occasionally when you have a need for a male companion!
She needed to relax a little and let the guys arrive at their own decisions (or convince her they were not players), and she could only facilitate that by giving them a little more wiggle room.
Here’s some advice a lady who confessed she had something in common with the first poster gave:
“I’ve got ten years on [the OP], but have more than a little bit of the acerbic in me, too. What I have discovered fairly recently is that it never hurts to be wise to the ways of the players, but you catch more flies with honey than with vinegar.
“By that I mean I subtly let the players know I’m on to them, and I will keep them on their toes in a fun, flirty way. I have a quick wit, and I make an effort to use it to let men know they can’t take advantage of me, but I may still enjoy their company, or even a booty call – it’s just more of a level playing field.
“I’m not looking for a lifetime relationship right now, so it’s easier for me to play the field and have fun because there’s less at stake. If I discover the love of my life in what starts out as a casual relationship, great. If not, my expectations aren’t crushed.
“I’m pretty forthright about telling men where they stand with me, without revealing too much about who else I might be currently seeing, and I make myself open to getting the same information from them. If after that, I get the impression a guy is still feeding me lines and is completely disingenuous (vs. a little unsure or private), I cut him loose.
“And I try to remember that some men are perpetual players, but some men are just playing until they find a keeper. I started a relationship with a much younger man recently, who was pretty open about being a total player, one of those always-looking-for-greener-pastures guys.
“I didn’t know for sure he was a player until I got to know him a little. By then, I knew I was already attracted to him, and I wanted to see what else he could bring to the table. The same combination of things that attracted me to him (intensity, good looks, sensuality, wit, interesting background, etc.) is what also lets him be a player – he has the complete package that most women want.
“He is young, unattached, and played the field because… he could.
I just let him play that out, with the basic attitude that if he thought he could find someone better than me, go ahead. I continued to date other men, while maintaining a relationship with him.
“I think you could call it playing it cool, but not playing it cold. Last night he told me he’s not interested in dating other women right now, and he wants to see me exclusively.
“Not a guarantee, but he told me he was taking down his profile on the dating site through which we met. Only time will tell if his intentions are true, but it’s a good place to start. By dating other men, it gave me chance to realize that I am more attracted to this guy, and seeing him exclusively wouldn’t be such a bad thing–and I’m sure it made me seem less needy and clingy in his eyes = more attractive.
“But I didn’t have to bust his balls to get him to this place – I just opened the door for him to find his way there. That’s probably the biggest dating lesson I’ve learned in a long time.”
Oh, about dating other men, here’s what this poster meant…
“I was a serial monogamist, too, for a long time, but I discovered that it didn’t work for me because for most men, this wasn’t realistic. And that’s the point of this platform: to give realistic dating advice, not to validate what’s not really working for us. If it IS working for you, great, keep doing it.
“For me, I needed to realize that most men date multiple women simultaneously, at least before they settle down and commit to one. Doing the same thing on my part keeps me from putting all my eggs in one basket too early in the relationship, and I’ve not received any negative feedback from the men I’ve dated.
“In fact they seem relieved that I’m not looking for ‘the one’ right from the first date. Demanding that a man is not dating anyone else from your first meeting? Good luck. I think most men would run from that as an ultimatum too early in the relationship or simply lie and tell you what you want to hear.
“If you do find a guy who can satisfy that requirement, great, but I think you’re seriously limiting your dating pool. As far as attracting a player is concerned, my point was to state that some men choose to take themselves out of the player mode when they find the right person.
“If the man I’m seeing returns to his playing ways, so be it – there’s nothing I can do about it. The same free will that allows him to decide he wants to see me exclusively allows him to leave that relationship if it’s not what he wants. I think the fact that I feel this way makes me more attractive to my guy – it’s the old ‘if you want something, let it go free’ adage.
“I can’t help who I’m attracted to any more than the next person. But if he says he wants to try an exclusive relationship, I am willing to believe that until have a reason not to.
“If I’m looking for that complete package, why would I not try it when it’s offered to me? To assume that once a player, always a player is to doom the relationship from the start.
“Don’t get me wrong, I’ve dumped players whom I knew continued to lie to me, but if I think someone is being genuine, I listen to my intuition and let things work from there. As a final point, please don’t confuse my idea of casual dating with casual sex.
“Dating to me means going out for coffee, drinks, dinner, a movie, an event, hanging out, and kissing if the mutual desire is there. There is no sex involved.
“Once I bed down with someone, I don’t continue going on these dates with other men, and I don’t entertain the idea of sleeping with other men. I ask that my partner do the same (usually this seems to be a mutual agreement).
“So, yes, I suppose once I start sleeping with someone I am a serial monogamist, but not until then. If I sleep with someone who claims to be monogamous and then discover he is still playing the field, we have a discussion. That for me is time when an ultimatum may be appropriate.”
To close this post, here’s the shortened response to the original poster’s email from the dating coach:
“Dear [OP], It’s the world’s greatest defense mechanism – let nobody in, nobody can hurt you. Congratulations, you win!! The bright spot is that your understanding of men will make you great in a relationship. But in order to get into a relationship, you have to work backwards to find out what’s not working for you.
“Here’s what’s not working for you: You think that because you understand male behavior, you should be the woman men want to date. Not quite. You’re trying to be ‘smart’ by cutting off men at the first hint of games. But they’re not even PLAYING games.
“They’re calling you, wondering what they did wrong, trying hard to win your favor, but to no avail. By looking for any sign that a guy’s going to hurt you, and turning it into a reason to freeze him out, you ultimately leave yourself alone and use your ‘coolness’ as the excuse.
“You live in a world where men are the enemies. But your heightened defenses are actually what’s killing you. By never showing any hints of vulnerability, you may prove to all the men who ‘come back for more’ that you’re the coolest chick around, but you’re not getting anyone to fall in love with you.
“You just become their guy friend. Which is where being ‘too cool’ flips over on you. Just because five straight guys cheated on you doesn’t mean the sixth will as well. Each new guy has NO relationship to the last guy whatsoever.
“My fiancé is cool; she lets me be myself, hang out with guys, write about sex, talk about ex’s. But she’s not ‘too’ cool. She’s got a lot invested in me. She lets me know when she’s upset. If she acted like: ‘The dating coach is probably gonna cheat on me because most men cheat on women,’ I wouldn’t feel particularly good about her.
“Her trust is what inspires me to honor her. In trying to beat men at their own game, it seems you’re only defeating yourself. You can call up a guy for sex so you can use him ‘like a guy’, but how does that make you feel? How does that further your goal of having a relationship? It doesn’t.
“Nor does assuming that every misstep is a ‘game’. Just ‘cause a guy doesn’t call or confirm on time doesn’t mean he’s never to be trusted. This doesn’t mean that some guys AREN’T a load of shit. He’s Just Not That Into You tapped into the zeitgeist for a reason.
“If he doesn’t call, sleep with you, commit to you, propose to you, etc, he’s just not that into you. But that doesn’t mean that if a guy doesn’t follow up on a date the way YOU want him to, that he’s a liar who’s just out for one thing.
“Until you’re more forgiving, you’re going to be missing out on a relationship. Yes, men can be men, but that doesn’t mean that EVERY man is that way. By assuming each man is a player, you never let anyone in and you never experience love.
“It’s far more important to know WHY He’s Just Not That Into You. From what I can tell, the reason you’re single is quite simple: you don’t believe a guy can sincerely love you. And unless you believe it’s possible, no man is gonna believe it either.”
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