A young woman wrote to a dating coach, a guy who helps women find love (EvanMarcKatz.com). Her message is very touching, we’ll get to it shortly, but apparently this is a very common problem lots of women face. The dating coach replied:
“Pretty much every woman who writes me… ‘gets’ the concept of ‘he’s just not that into you’ but doesn’t actually realize when it applies to her that He’s! Just! Not! That! Into! You!”
And that’s because, the guy will be doing some things that seem to validate to you that he loves you – like sleeping with you, saying nice things to you and calling you regularly to show that he cares.
But if you want to know when a guy really is into you, here’s what the dating coach said a guy will do instead:
- He calls to say, “When can I see you again?”
- He reserves plans with you every Friday and Saturday night.
- He calls/texts/or emails every single day.
- He calls himself your boyfriend.
- He wants to make it clear you’re not seeing anyone else.
- He sleeps with you regularly.
- He talks about a future.
- He tells you he loves you
You can print this checklist if you want and tape it to your bathroom mirror to remind yourself how a real boyfriend acts.
“Just please, stop ignoring the list and acting like your distant guy is somehow different than everyone else’s distant guy! Seriously,” advised the coach.
According to the dating coach, “the trick isn’t in figuring out how to get an unavailable guy to want you – it’s in finding the available guy who wants you.”
Men reveal themselves in their efforts to commit to you. Anything less, you’re wasting your time. And yet the story is always the same with women who fail to nail it down when a man they’re dating appears to be into them, when in fact this is not the case.
You will have a moment of chemistry – you sleep together or you don’t – he says a few nice things to you that you hold onto forever – and he goes back to pursuing other women.
And all you can ask is: does he really like me? Why would he say that nice thing to me two years ago? Why would he sleep with me if he’s not into me? Why would he be calling me regularly if he didn’t care?
Before we get to the answers to these questions, first here is that touching email the lovelorn and baffled young woman wrote to the dating coach. It might shine a light on your own situation…
“Two years ago, I met a guy online. We quickly found that we had a lot in common and conversation was easy. We don’t live far apart and made general plans to meet up for drinks after he got back from a trip. We kept in contact over the first couple of weeks he was gone, but by the end of this trip, the emails diminished dramatically.
“I soon found out he began dating a much younger girl (he’s 27, she’s 20, I’m 25) that he had known for a couple of years and was traveling with him. I was upset, but not at him, just the circumstances. We didn’t talk very regularly after that.
“Flash forward to two months ago. I heard through the grapevine that he was having some relationship problems and was feeling down. I sent him a message to keep his head up, hoping things got better, out of concern.
“He soon got back to me and sort of ran me down on what was happening, asking for my thoughts. I gave him my honest ‘girl interpretation,’ as his girlfriend has been dragging him around and couldn’t decide if she wanted to be together. (He’s been trying to win her back but has finally seemed to realize it isn’t going to work, and that he needs to move on.)
“He’s kept me updated and seemed to appreciate my honesty. We’ve chatted in general, and he almost always initiates the conversation. He even asked if we were going to be at the same event in a few months. I admit that my interest has rekindled, but I have kept my distance and just tried to be a sounding board for him out of respect.
“My question is: do you think there’s a possibility for something there between us? With him talking to me about his currently ending relationship, I wasn’t sure if he just saw me as someone to talk with and just a friend or if he wanted to give me a little insight on himself.
“He told me he will ‘need time’ to get over her and is not one to jump to another relationship quickly, fearing a rebound. That is OK (and admirable) to me.
“Am I just the nice girl who gives him straight answers? Or do you think this reconnection could lead to something down the line? Thanks for any input!”
That was the email. Now let’s move on to the answers to those questions lots of women ask when a guy appears to be serious when in fact he’s just not that into you.
“Here are the answers to those questions, once and for all,” wrote the dating coach for women…
1) Why did he say that nice thing to me two years ago?
He said that nice thing to you two years ago because he meant it two years ago. “You are extremely beautiful. We have amazing chemistry. You are one of the nicest people I’ve ever met. You’re going to make some guy very happy one day.” He meant all of it. Yet none of it means that he wants you to be his girlfriend.
2) Why would he sleep with me if he’s not into me?
Because you’re there. Because there doesn’t have to be ANY connection between sex and feelings. Which is hard to understand because YOU would never have sex with someone you weren’t attracted to or have feelings for. We [men] would.
3) Why would he be calling me regularly if he didn’t care?
You ever have a nice guy friend who you would never date? Yeah, that’s you. You’re the nice girl who gives him straight answers – not to mention attention, concern, stability, and unconditional love. And he really appreciates it, thanks.
“To sum up, [Original Poster] – I only get agitated because it’s SO EASY to figure out where you stand with a guy. I don’t care… I have… clients… who pay $250 per hour for the privilege of hearing this same information by phone… but if you pass this [checklist of actions that show when a guy is really into you] along to a friend, who passes it along to another friend, who passes it along to another friend, you’ll be performing a great service to millions of women who struggle with the same issue,” wrote the dating coach.
Some insightful reactions to the checklist to determine that he’s just not that into you
One poster wrote, on the timing being wrong for one partner in the relationship:
“….Remember: Even if someone is genuinely into you, they might not be into having a relationship. Not everyone is focused on finding The One at the same time and place that you are. So if you feel like there is chemistry, you may be right! However, they just might not have any desire (or ability) to build off of that and develop more.
“Therefore, as has been said, instead of waiting for them to become available, go out and find someone who already is.”
Another poster wrote, on why women sometimes delude themselves when a guy or boyfriend isn’t into them:
“When we’re highly attracted to someone it can be hard to accept that it’s one sided. We hang onto every little crumb of attention and try to make it *mean* something. That’s where the self-delusion comes in.
“JNTIY IS freeing when you understand it works both ways: there are people YOU just aren’t that into either. Just happens that way. Until….it doesn’t…and you find that happy connection where the interest level is mutual.”
This next poster weighed in on women who may not be deluding themselves but who almost relish the challenge to change a man’s mind:
“… For some women it seems for them, the turn on is the challenge of a guy who doesn’t really want them. If he’s ‘hard to get’ that makes him worth more somehow. I think that may factor into how some women get stuck in these situations repeatedly.”
On the matter of a guy calling the next day after your first date to follow up, this poster wrote:
“It IS possible to be interested in seeing someone else again without calling them the very next day or even two days later. You don’t have to already be on cloud nine after the very first date to still be interested in someone. This is just another example of people’s expectations and how they sometimes get in the way.
“I have to agree, I have to share my experience of what some might have read as a ‘HJNTIY’ with my bf whom I met through an online dating website and we’ve now been together for nearly 2 years.
“After we first met up after 3 weeks of emailing each other, I felt the attraction and the ‘sparks’ but didn’t hear from him a week later, but he would always ring within a week for follow up dates. He never rang “the next day or the second day after the date” as I was expecting if he was ‘into me’.
“This went on for almost 3 months and I was wondering what to do, until one day I cancelled a date with him as someone else (one that I met through a group of friends and not online) started to ask me out, and since we weren’t exclusive (though in my heart I wanted us to be) I decided to give other guys a go.
“This was the crunch factor cos he suddenly got really anxious, demanded that we meet up to have the ‘talk’, where he then expressed that he wanted to take it slowly and was building it up, and now that someone else was trying to work their way in he was pissed off.
“He then went on to say he really would like to be exclusive with me, and we started going out exclusively then. A month after that ‘talk’ he then told me he loved me, and we’ve been together from that time on till now.
“So, my conclusion is that each and every one’s dating experience is a little different, and we shouldn’t conform our expectations to just because our object of affection did not return our calls or reschedule straight away after the date, do not think HJNTIY. Wait and see, if not, send a text, or a call. ONCE OR TWICE. BUT DO NOT BE THE DOORMAT.
“And obviously, if no response or action after the one or two calls or texts…face the obvious: HJNTIY.”
A glowing testimonial on the power of applying the checklist
This poster wrote in, on the liberating effect and stress-reducing power of using the checklist in your dating:
“Listen, I’m a diplomatic person, and I agree that there are very few things in life that are black and white. But the HJNTIY Checklist is one of them. I think people misunderstand what’s being said about the HJNTIY criteria.
“Whether you met him 2 years ago and the timing/situation was wrong, or he was about to go to Europe, or his mother just died, or his girlfriend just married his best friend, or he was fearful of getting hurt again – all of that is irrelevant & is not the point.
“The only thing that matters is what he’s doing right now. Is he pursuing you (right now) in a way that looks like the checklist? If not, the answer could not be clearer. But women (a/k/a me) do not go quietly into the night.
“Oh, no. Because even faced with these facts, here’s how you, me, and just about every other “unsure” woman on the planet will respond to those facts: “Well, no he’s not doing that, BUT….”
“When I finally got it through my thick head that there simply are no buts when it comes to whether or not he’s into me, my dating life and attitude towards relationships got so much better. So. Much. Better.
“As someone else has mentioned, it’s a huge relief, almost a blessing, to finally get real about this and stop the guesswork, the endless rethinking of it, the hashing it out with your friends over & over.
“I am that woman who would take a kind gesture, compliment, or intense conversation with a guy and so completely distort it that it would literally be REBORN in my head as, ‘Wow. He is obviously hot for me. Clearly, we were destined to be. Yes, I will have his babies.’
“Pathetic. The checklist has been my guide ever since I finally read the book, [He’s Just Not That Into You by Greg Behrendt], and it has never double-crossed me. I have yet to meet the exception to the rule, but I’m not saying it can never, ever happen for you.
“I just don’t plan on it happening to me. And that has made my life much less stressful, and me much less bitter, because I’m not stringing myself along wasting my time on a guy who is not & never will be on the same page as me.
“If I choose to ignore the writing on the wall & go into Fantasyland, then no one but me is responsible for the big letdown. Amen.”
Situations to watch out for (where the guy is really into you but you better move on!)
(1) A guy is into you but wants to take things slow. If he’s genuine, here’s what he should do, according to Greg Behrendt:
“If a guy truly likes you, but for personal reasons he needs to take things slow, he will let you know that immediately. He won’t keep you guessing, because he’ll want to make sure you don’t get frustrated and go away” (pg 13-14).
If he doesn’t, you better move on.
(2) A guy may be really into you, but for some reason the relationship is dead in the water. This poster wrote:
“It’s funny, I’ve had: actually several situations where signs of ‘he’s just not that into you’, actually did mean, ‘he’s incredibly into you, but there’s a real reason why the relationship wouldn’t work, so he’s trying to be nonchalant.’
“One was sharing an apartment with his sister, a very close friend of mine, and was working 60 hours a week: she became jealous and angry at the thought of us dating, and he couldn’t afford, financially or emotionally, to shake things up. Another was a close friend and business partner of an ex: again, he couldn’t afford to mess up the relationship with my ex. ETC.
“Just for maturity’s sake, there are times when HJNTIY is actually not the case. Both of these men, and a few others, would call me constantly, flirt, offer me gifts, etc. and then randomly bail, act weird, or be distant.
“Either way, if he’s displaying mixed messages, it generally means get outta there!”
So, to sum up this really long look at how to tell if your boyfriend is really into you or not;
Men reveal themselves in their efforts to commit to you. Anything less, you’re wasting your time. How do they reveal themselves? The checklist above and the insights contributed by other women who’ve been in this situation!
It doesn’t get better than that. And, you heard the man… share this post with friends, you will be helping many other women out.
For more answers to dating questions, problems and frustrations click this link.
You may also like: Tips on how to find Mr. Right
