They didn’t think and feel their way through this all-important decision. This will probably sound familiar…
Less than a year into a marriage, the wife is complaining about a husband who spends weekends on the couch watching games. Or playing video games. Or being otherwise emotionally unavailable, and the woman craving for his time and attention.
Didn't these women notice these guys were sports fanatics while they were dating? Did they think things would change after the wedding? Did they naively believe it’s easy to change a man? They were “swept off their feet”, because the primitive parts of their brains took over and decided for them.
Then they woke up one day to find themselves in relationships they just “ended up in.”
How does emotional intelligence help you avoid these mistakes? Sexual attraction is based on a primitive and powerful feeling that can "hijack" you. It’s driven by a primitive part of the brain called the reptilian brain. The primary motivation is survival of the species, as in, “make babies, make babies! There’s no thinking part to the reptilian brain, as in “make babies, yes, but it can’t be with anyone? What about my other needs and wants, my preferences?”
Emotional intelligence helps by aborting this "hijack". You’ll be able to slow yourself down, take a second look and get up to your more advanced parts of your brain (the limbic brain, which is the part that governs bonding, parenting, and relationships, and the neo-cortex, which governs thinking) for this important decision. Most communication is nonverbal. With elevated emotional intelligence you’ll be able to see through a guy who isn’t good at transmitting emotions through their eyes – or one who is faking it.
You want to choose a partner who looks at you with affection and kindness in their eyes. Emotions are contagious and largely transmitted through the eyes! Emotional intelligence enables you to think as well as feel your way through this important decision of finding a life-long partner. Emotional intelligence means using all 3 of your brains – including the neo-cortex, the thinking brain.
Contrary to what some people think, EQ doesn't mean "only emotions." It means thinking as well as feeling. You want to consider compatibility when choosing a partner – family background, values, goals, how he or she takes care of their physical and mental health.
You also want to consider general living style – for example drug use, when you like to get up and go to bed, your level of neatness, and how quiet you like it to be. You’ll be living with this person. Here, your intuition too is a strong guide. Take advantage of it. For choosing a partner you also want to consider the emotional self-awareness of the other person, and their awareness of your emotions; their ability at empathy.
Boosting your emotional intelligence greatly improves your ability to do this. Studies show that one of the most predictive traits for compatibility is if one partner is able to sense the sadness of the other.
Another way that emotional intelligence helps you find a guy you’ll still love to live with years into the future is being able to tell, whilst still dating, how optimistic is he as a person? Optimism is the facilitator of all the emotional intelligence competencies. In addition, optimists live longer, enjoy better health, heal more quickly, and accomplish more.
Emotions are contagious, and optimism is a force-field you want in your life. Fortunately, even if you’re not an optimistic person yourself, optimism can be learned!
In relationships, it helps to be intentional. You should also expect it in your partner too. Intentionality is an EQ competency that means saying what you mean and meaning what you say. It also means being accountable for the motives behind your actions. You’ll need to be in touch with this yourself, and have a partner who is as well, because partnering requires a commitment, i.e., Intentionality. Intentionality means you’re not "allowed" to say, "I didn’t mean to ..."
This is a high-level skill, and a good one to look for. As with intentionality and optimism, you also want to consider the level of your intended partner’s resilience.
You’ll be together a long time, through ups and downs, and life can throw some curves. How do they manage adverse events and setbacks? Do they bounce back eventually? Have they been able to grow through adversity, not just go through it? How do they deal with anger – yours and their own?
Studies show that the most successful couples are those who are able to soothe one another instead of agitating and escalating in an argument.
Finally, use your emotional intelligence to choose a partner who balances their life. Do they combine learning, working and leisure? Studies show that people who die in their 5th and 6th decade have this life trajectory: school, then work, then leisure. Resilient seniors combine all three during all stages of life.
You'll want the one you love to be around a long time! Life is fraught with ups and downs, so it's critical to marry someone you can have fun with, today and fifty years from now. Emotional intelligence helps a lot with making a good choice of partner. And the good news is that EQ can be learned, unlike IQ.
What to do now…
Here are some resources to help you boost and develop your emotional intelligence. Finding a life-long partner is a big decision, and you don’t want to stint on time or dime. Enjoy!
Didn't these women notice these guys were sports fanatics while they were dating? Did they think things would change after the wedding? Did they naively believe it’s easy to change a man? They were “swept off their feet”, because the primitive parts of their brains took over and decided for them.
Then they woke up one day to find themselves in relationships they just “ended up in.”
How does emotional intelligence help you avoid these mistakes? Sexual attraction is based on a primitive and powerful feeling that can "hijack" you. It’s driven by a primitive part of the brain called the reptilian brain. The primary motivation is survival of the species, as in, “make babies, make babies! There’s no thinking part to the reptilian brain, as in “make babies, yes, but it can’t be with anyone? What about my other needs and wants, my preferences?”
Emotional intelligence helps by aborting this "hijack". You’ll be able to slow yourself down, take a second look and get up to your more advanced parts of your brain (the limbic brain, which is the part that governs bonding, parenting, and relationships, and the neo-cortex, which governs thinking) for this important decision. Most communication is nonverbal. With elevated emotional intelligence you’ll be able to see through a guy who isn’t good at transmitting emotions through their eyes – or one who is faking it.
You want to choose a partner who looks at you with affection and kindness in their eyes. Emotions are contagious and largely transmitted through the eyes! Emotional intelligence enables you to think as well as feel your way through this important decision of finding a life-long partner. Emotional intelligence means using all 3 of your brains – including the neo-cortex, the thinking brain.
Contrary to what some people think, EQ doesn't mean "only emotions." It means thinking as well as feeling. You want to consider compatibility when choosing a partner – family background, values, goals, how he or she takes care of their physical and mental health.
You also want to consider general living style – for example drug use, when you like to get up and go to bed, your level of neatness, and how quiet you like it to be. You’ll be living with this person. Here, your intuition too is a strong guide. Take advantage of it. For choosing a partner you also want to consider the emotional self-awareness of the other person, and their awareness of your emotions; their ability at empathy.
Boosting your emotional intelligence greatly improves your ability to do this. Studies show that one of the most predictive traits for compatibility is if one partner is able to sense the sadness of the other.
Another way that emotional intelligence helps you find a guy you’ll still love to live with years into the future is being able to tell, whilst still dating, how optimistic is he as a person? Optimism is the facilitator of all the emotional intelligence competencies. In addition, optimists live longer, enjoy better health, heal more quickly, and accomplish more.
Emotions are contagious, and optimism is a force-field you want in your life. Fortunately, even if you’re not an optimistic person yourself, optimism can be learned!
In relationships, it helps to be intentional. You should also expect it in your partner too. Intentionality is an EQ competency that means saying what you mean and meaning what you say. It also means being accountable for the motives behind your actions. You’ll need to be in touch with this yourself, and have a partner who is as well, because partnering requires a commitment, i.e., Intentionality. Intentionality means you’re not "allowed" to say, "I didn’t mean to ..."
This is a high-level skill, and a good one to look for. As with intentionality and optimism, you also want to consider the level of your intended partner’s resilience.
You’ll be together a long time, through ups and downs, and life can throw some curves. How do they manage adverse events and setbacks? Do they bounce back eventually? Have they been able to grow through adversity, not just go through it? How do they deal with anger – yours and their own?
Studies show that the most successful couples are those who are able to soothe one another instead of agitating and escalating in an argument.
Finally, use your emotional intelligence to choose a partner who balances their life. Do they combine learning, working and leisure? Studies show that people who die in their 5th and 6th decade have this life trajectory: school, then work, then leisure. Resilient seniors combine all three during all stages of life.
You'll want the one you love to be around a long time! Life is fraught with ups and downs, so it's critical to marry someone you can have fun with, today and fifty years from now. Emotional intelligence helps a lot with making a good choice of partner. And the good news is that EQ can be learned, unlike IQ.
What to do now…
Here are some resources to help you boost and develop your emotional intelligence. Finding a life-long partner is a big decision, and you don’t want to stint on time or dime. Enjoy!
Dating Advice For Women: A Guide To Intimacy, Self-Esteem, Emotional Intelligence & Healthy Sex Life
